it's easy to hate me.

i know a girl who drags her ghosts with her everywhere. the time that passes only seems to hurt more, instead of less. i doubt she analyzes it much. it might not be her fault, maybe it's just the way she's wired. i'm not her first ghost. if she wants it that way, i'll be the last.

maybe she doesn't WANT to heal. maybe moving on is an admittance of guilt to her. i wish she knew, like, REALLY knew that she was better off now. i wish she could be happy for me. i wish she was happy enough with herself to forget all the bullshit.

i wish she wouldn't try so hard to hate. now THAT's wasted energy.

here's a new piece, tentatively titled... i'll probably think of something better. it's rough, just a first draft. i'll look at it tomorrow and see a billion things that can be tightened up, but i really just want to get this out.

__________________________________________________________________________

Hate is just a cop out

a whisper caught at the back of the throat,
familiar phrases caught on crooked smiles and snaggleteeth;
a skipped breath or heartbeat later and everything's fine, everything's ok

on the surface.
smile, keep on smiling icicles like daggers.

no you're not grinding your teeth,
no you're not going to spontaneously combust,
no you won't tear his beating heart out his ribcage and eat it in front of his vacant eyes.

just breathe, remember the mantra:
years weren't wasted, they were learned from
years weren't wasted, they were learned from
years weren't wasted, they were learned from
learning wasn't wasted, they were years spent
on ghosts, failed plans...
blame him enough and maybe you can forget
that what he was scared of
was you.

blame him enough and maybe you can ignore
the part of you that still loves him.
____________________________________________________________________

if she reads this, i hope she knows i'm not bitter. i'm just trying to understand. i'm the first to admit i made mistakes. perhaps my biggest was not saying goodbye sooner.

still, more time has passed apart than we ever spent together. more than that, even while we were together we spent more time apart than together. that on-again-off-again shit was pretty pointless, but the comfortable bed is always the easiest to lie in.

and it WAS easy. for both of us.
that was a road we fell down together. i've apologized enough. i told her once it was the last time and i meant it.
there's nothing left to be sorry about. now i think i'm just sorry FOR her.

xFx

dude, i never shoulda stopped playing with legos.

i used to change location at the drop of a hat. the slightest opening and i'd be there before the hat hit the floor. now there's leases. unpaid bills. coworkers i've watched grow up. bosses who've watched me grow into myself. friends that have gone out of their way to stay friends. i'd actually miss the place i was leaving for once. how weird is that?

how sad is it that if i was given the opportunity, i'd probably say no and spend countless nights awake hating myself for doing it (or NOT doing it, rather).





y'know what? fuck it. i'm a little too drunk for this, and tomorrow will be awesome (once i clock out), and sunday will be even better. awesomefest is next weekend and no one will believe i'm a day over 23. i'll be out of town and laughing like a kid for four or five days. i'll probably sleep through day 5. i'm not saying i won't laugh in my sleep. i'm also not saying i won't pump my fist in my sleep. preemptive apologies to C., who realized for the first time tonight that she's on a lease too and probably shouldn't pick up and move to another city, with OR without me. growing up sucks. i'm not the sort to start comparing our age differences with "i remember when" stories about my first true brush with the harsh realities of a "normal” life... which part of me still knows is bullshit and i should head to san diego a week early, party, then head to some country i’ve never been before with nothing but my guitar, the clothes on my back, and of course a pen and paper. and maybe whatever merch i pick up at awesomefest.

anyway, awesomefest will rule.

sorry to be such a downer. i tend to be sad when i think she might be sad, even though i know she’s even drunker than i. i’ve only had to retype a couple of these words. tomorrow she won’t remember what she’s upset about (hopefully). either way, some morning kisses and everything will be right as rain.

yeah, we’re as close to perfect as YOU’LL ever see.




xFx